Now that we're in new placements, it's time to come clean. I'm scared of 12th graders!
I've been puzzling over why that is, and have come up with a few possibilities.
1. They're taller than me. I pride myself on my ability to tower ominously over any misbehaving students. But after tottering around Santa Barbara High's vast campus in 4 inch stilettos, the hard reality to face is that most of my class will probably be towering ominously over me.
2. They look like me. I feel like it's been a long time since I was in high school. But I look pretty young, and they look kind of old, and we like the same movies, music, and tv shows. I like having a friendly vibe with my students, and with 7th graders, you can be friendly with no question that you are the authority figure. I think I'm going to have to be kind of lame to keep up that separation with high school students. I can do that, but I'm going to miss being fun.
3. They might know more than me. And that's the real kicker! I'm a psychology major who passed the English and history CSETs, but I by no means consider myself an expert in either field. I read and write a lot in my life, and I took some literature classes for fun. But what happens when I have a student who is an absolute English whiz, and they know more than I do?! The possibility is terrifying!
And I realize, from all the constructivist teachings of TEP, that this is not a good thing to be scared of. First, it's not about content, it's about students. I know enough about English to teach them, and I'm getting really good at surviving on short bursts of sleep instead of a full 8 hours - I can stay one step ahead of them if I need to. And if the most important thing is how they feel when they're in the classroom, I know I can be a positive force in their lives, no prior experience necessary.
Second, I'm not the sage on the stage (even though, I'll admit, sometimes I want to be). I should facilitate experiences and let them find the answers for themselves. I don't have all the answers, and I never will, so if they have one that I don't, we all win, right? I know in my head that this is true, but it still fills my heart with fear.
I think this new placement is going to be a really great learning experience for me. Change is scary, and I'll be changing more than my age group (hellllloo, flats). But the opportunity to learn from my students and learn to be ok with not having all the answers is probably a really great thing for me, both as a teacher and a human being. Bring it on, seniors!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
Identity Confusion
Obviously, I was pumped to begin teaching before I started TEP or else I never would have applied. I had it all figured out. I was going to be the "tough" teacher, I did NOT want to deal with discipline (it's a waste of my time and my education) and I can probably only teach GATE kids.
Then I started student teaching. It's not like I haven't been in a classroom before, so I'm not really sure why there are huge changes in my attitudes brewing. Maybe it was our foundations classes, or maybe it's my CT's influence, or maybe it's both, but my thoughts on how I teach and who I want to teach have completely shifted.
As a student teacher, I have a really unique opportunity to work one on one with students way more often than I probably ever will as a "real" teacher. And I love it! I always pictured the really rewarding experiences in my career being something huge, like one of my students getting into Harvard or curing cancer, and owing it all to that one English teacher who believed in them. Instead, the most rewarding experiences are things like a mainstreamed student in special ed finishing a complete sentence, with the advanced vocabulary we practiced, and writing it down on his own. Without prompting. Without a single mistake. For me, that was parade worthy - I was so incredibly proud of what he had accomplished for himself.
Or the successes are the behavior problem that everyone (including, often times, me) has no idea what to do with, finishing a complete worksheet, when the day before he couldn't be convinced to sit in a student chair until the class period was halfway over. He's the type of classroom management that I absolutely dreaded going into teaching, yet he's the student I'm drawn to when I'm circulating the classroom and I'm just dying to see some successes with him. And I think they will happen. Call me crazy (it wouldn't be the first time someone has) but I really really think he's going to figure it out someday and start trying. I know it may not be realistic, but if we can't still believe that about our most challenging students, should we really be the ones responsible for teaching them?
So it's the moments like that, when a student who struggles with reading picks up a book and reads it on his own, because he can't wait to see what happens next in the story, that are confirming for me why I want to be a teacher. Summers off will be great, and picking a career that my dad doesn't respect is a thrilling belated act of teenage rebellion, but this stuff is what I'm really here for. Not the GATE students. Not the shout out during an Inaugural Address or Academy Awards acceptance speech. But the little victories that are happening for every single student in the classroom, if we try hard enough to see them.
Then I started student teaching. It's not like I haven't been in a classroom before, so I'm not really sure why there are huge changes in my attitudes brewing. Maybe it was our foundations classes, or maybe it's my CT's influence, or maybe it's both, but my thoughts on how I teach and who I want to teach have completely shifted.
As a student teacher, I have a really unique opportunity to work one on one with students way more often than I probably ever will as a "real" teacher. And I love it! I always pictured the really rewarding experiences in my career being something huge, like one of my students getting into Harvard or curing cancer, and owing it all to that one English teacher who believed in them. Instead, the most rewarding experiences are things like a mainstreamed student in special ed finishing a complete sentence, with the advanced vocabulary we practiced, and writing it down on his own. Without prompting. Without a single mistake. For me, that was parade worthy - I was so incredibly proud of what he had accomplished for himself.
Or the successes are the behavior problem that everyone (including, often times, me) has no idea what to do with, finishing a complete worksheet, when the day before he couldn't be convinced to sit in a student chair until the class period was halfway over. He's the type of classroom management that I absolutely dreaded going into teaching, yet he's the student I'm drawn to when I'm circulating the classroom and I'm just dying to see some successes with him. And I think they will happen. Call me crazy (it wouldn't be the first time someone has) but I really really think he's going to figure it out someday and start trying. I know it may not be realistic, but if we can't still believe that about our most challenging students, should we really be the ones responsible for teaching them?
So it's the moments like that, when a student who struggles with reading picks up a book and reads it on his own, because he can't wait to see what happens next in the story, that are confirming for me why I want to be a teacher. Summers off will be great, and picking a career that my dad doesn't respect is a thrilling belated act of teenage rebellion, but this stuff is what I'm really here for. Not the GATE students. Not the shout out during an Inaugural Address or Academy Awards acceptance speech. But the little victories that are happening for every single student in the classroom, if we try hard enough to see them.
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